Carcass - Surgical Steel (PR2013) - I was so excited to get the promo for Carcass's brand new album, Surgical Steel. I never thought that Swansong would have been followed up in all actuality and I couldn't wait for it to finally come in the mail. But that's where the problem lied.
It didn't come in the mail. Instead, a UPS delivery truck came to the house and the gentleman knocked on my door telling me that the package was extremely heavy. It was so heavy in fact, that he was going to need help getting it out of the truck. But that's when I began thinking, "how could a CD be so damned heavy?" Anyway, I go over to the truck and the guy opens the door to reveal this massive package. You would've thought that the entire Carcass library was in there, plus a stack of encyclopedias that Jeff Walker had laying around the house. Still, I wasn't familiar with the band's early works so I thought it would be great to be able to check them out as well now.
As I said, the package was heavy. It took the two of us to get it into the house, where I signed for it. I was going to put it on the table, but was afraid that the table might buckle under the weight. Again, this thing was fucking heavy. As soon as I put it on the floor and shut the door behind me, I immediately got to opening the package. But when I opened it, I found that instead of an album; it was some kind of large steel ball with the Carcass logo and the album's title etched across it. This is the kind of ball that you would attach to a wrecker and it was probably strong enough to topple over a building. It was metal alright. Heavy metal alright, in the fact that I was actually going to have to roll it into my room and even that was a task. I work in a stockroom and lifting heavy shit is just part of what we do, but this thing was just so fucking massive that it took about half an hour just to roll it in.
Damn, this was more trouble than it was worth. But I knew that if I could be one of the first to get this one reviewed, maybe even get it into a magazine - it would be worth it. When I finally wheeled the bastard into my room, I spent the next couple of minutes looking for means to play it. I mean, how in the fuck do you play a steel ball? I tapped at it in several different areas and it clanged in recognition. But there was no metal to be heard. Not the kind of metal I was looking for anyway.
After about an hour, I decided to give it a break. There was no way in hell that I was ever going to get this big ball of metal to do anything more than clink and clank with the sounds of a steel reserve. I thought about trying to break it open, thinking that the album might be somewhere inside, but I didn't own anything strong enough to break it open. If you've got a jackhammer, send it to me and I might be able to break this thing open and give you a review.
As far as I can tell, the new Carcass album is definitely heavy and it's metal. Most certainly metal. Every time I hit it, it sounds like I'm tempering steel. Which is what it is - surgical steel. I could probably make medical grade surgery tools with this thing, if I had the right equipment. I'll bet it would fetch a good amount of money online too, considering that companies could probably use this Carcass branded lump of metal for something more useful that what I was using it for. I don't recommend sitting on it, but I also don't recommend putting drinks on it because every time I do that, the drink would fall off and crash to the floor. There's not really much you can do with this large hunk of metal and I have no idea why Carcass decided to give it to me. Are you guys fucking nuts?
Seriously, thanks a lot Carcass for the large ball of metal. I have no fucking idea what I'm going to do with it. If it plays metal, you'd better let me know how. All I can get it to do is clink and clang.
Highlights: Some clinks sound better than some clangs. It also dings. (? Tracks, ?:??)
APRIL FOOLS!/10
New Review Set Coming Soon!
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